Only For Belynda!

Good Morning Ya'll. Last week, I realized I had NOTHING to wear to my Aunts funeral. Well,thanks to a friend and my Grandmother, I had a cute skirt and shirt to wear {see FB pics} at least I thought it was cute. But I had to wear panty hose, Oh those dreaded words. It was cold in South Ms for the first time in Oh forever.And With my pale legs the new stellar heels I bought {no body but my buddy who loaned me the skirt wears my size,so she loaned me sandals,me thinking it would be warm} I HAD to wear the dam things. So GM had a new pair she loaned me. Yall should have seen me doing the fat woman wiggle to get my queen size behind and hips into my GM's hose. I shimmed and shaked and got them on. Then OH THE PAIN! My cellulite was revolting. I assume it was missing its friends that have evaportated with the diet Im still on. So I went up stairs to grab my shoes. I was squatting and panting and just all around NOT comfortable. I kept telling myself this was Belynda's twisted revenge on me,and that SHE KNEW Id only wear not only a skirt for her but dam apnty hose too! Well, it was truly inevitable, AS I was squatting I heard a rip! AHHH, my inner thighs on one side could breathe again!!! But...the escape of one side of fat shifted then and the other side squeezed even tighter.SO tight it pinched me,and I shimmed some more. I tell yall what. Everyone there was roaring with laughter as I was Yosimite Sam fitting my dead Aunt. Well, after all the snarling and shaking, I ripped a huge hole in them. and those got tossed. Then GM gave me another pair,that I cut holes in BEFORE I even put them on. Fool Me once...kind of mentality. Well, I did the fat woman wiggle,shimmy,cuss, hiss,spit and shake, got them suckers on.{I will pause to say that my GM is the similar height as me,but I got my butt from Dad's side,as most women in my fam,including my lil sister are sticks. Im more volumpitous.SO length was not an issue. SUck em in size was!!!} Thats when I noticed the run in them!!! After all that repeat of the first pair,and me getting them on succesfully, They had to come off. BLAH!!!
So before we even went to the funeral home we had to stop at RIte AId for me to get some in Sarah size. But I didnt get the suck em in,squeeze you in like sausage in a casing. Nope I bought the cheapest ones they had there in size wide and long! Then upon entrance into the funeral home I had to go to the ladies room to slide them on! Only for Belynda I kept thinking!!! Fortunatly some soul had put a roll bench in the big stall for women with "tha vapa's". Bless who ever that was. I guess Belynda KNEW I was outta practice putting them things on,and had the celestial forethought to put a bug in someones ear once upon a time to put that roll bench in there just for my wide ass! So on the dreaded stockings went! They didnt cut off the circulation to my lower extrimaties either! Bless cheap pantyhose.
Then after the funeral we went touring around Vicksburg with my husband and friend Heather.We ate lunch in public, but I was already getting antsy and tired of the friction my thighs were creating.So after lunch we stopped at a river look out. I opened the dirver door adn right there front of God and everybody I did the fat woman shimmy and ripped them suckers off!!!!
THe END!!!