Operation Make a FruitCake,for the first time

I have literally been craving Fruitcake. I bought all the necesary components.

Currants,

Fruitcake Mix {a bland of citrus particles,and cherries.Comes in a tub and does not taste ANYTHING like fruitcake when you eat it directly from said tub. you live and learn}

Raisins

candied cherries and pineapple

Having never eaten a currant before,it was with the display,so I thought what the heck,its a holiday cake,so why not? I have the other ingridients on hand.

Nuts,

eggs,

butter,

sugar,

flour,

and Nuts.



Ive been researching cookbooks. From Paula Deen's first Lady and Son's, a garden club cookbook,my Memaws garden club printed,and even the "Bible". THe Joy of Cooking. When I found fruitcake recipes they have instructions like this

"Soak a week,, in a dark closet,, under the stairs in rot gut burbon"

" replump raisins in stale coffee for an hour"

"If you have no burbon on hand,use whatever you have!!!" Lightbulb! Best one yet. Plus you dont have to soak the fruit till its rancid and fonkey. Plus,yall know I have no paitence. Remember me making apple butter a while back?

So, I put a few scoops of the citrus stuff in a non stick pan with about 3/4 c of Blue Curcaco Liqueir. Ok, Im all set. Into the steaming blue booze, I add the citrus fruit, some raisins,some currants,a 1/4 cup of water, 1/4 cup of Molasses,and a sprinkle of coconut. Smells a bit like cough syrup. The kind the Dr gives you,makes you feel all warm,but taste like ass.

Its soaking for a few minutes,and now Im going to commence to cream up some butter,vanilla, white and dark sugar...

I didnt like ANY of the recipes I saw either online or in my cookbooks. The Devil on my shoulder is saying
" Suzy FN Homemaker, YOU can do a better job,than even the Queen of Southern cooking herself, Ms.Paula Deen." YOu think? hmmmmm we will see....

The Acutal making and putting in the oven:
Ok,so in my best wanna be the Next Food NextWork Star, I assembled all my ingredients.Some of this and that. inlcluding my brand new super duper Sunbeam standmixer {you too can have one,currently onsale at Walmart for 74.99} I got out my angel food cake pan. For a 1.99 GoodWill special,that pan has served me very well.
Anyway. I creamed
2 sticks of butter. I think one salted,one not
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 large hard glob of dark brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
a splash of maple flavoring
and 2 eggs
I cremaed it all up with a new little hand mixer, {onsale at your local kroger for 8.99. both my new lectric mixers cost half what the KitchenAid one I wanted does}

Into the Mixer bowl,I put 3 1/2 cups SR flour,but added a dash of sea salt,and baking powder. Some of the following. I used the Racheal Ray method and palmed it. {by the time I was done,my palm was burning,freaking ginger!}
cinnamon,the expensive 1.00 kind,
all spice,ginger,cloves,and I did fresh grate nutmeg. {Ive had the same jar of nutmegs for years,and I just grate it off as needed}

So I got out the bread hooks for this monster job.{BAD IDEA!!!}
I sifted the flour mix with the hooks,and began to add my wet stuff. well,the hooks only made a small well. So I used a silicone scraper in an attmept to slide it all together. THAT did not work. So I grabbed a flat bamboo thingie,and me nad the mixer went to town.

{ASIDE: Caleb and I are still in our jammies. though we have had a wash today.Its easier to wash tees and capri's even in winter than jeans. Plus,they are tons more comfy. He is on a tall stool liking bowls and scrapers and measuring cups.He thinks himself a mini chef,and who am I to tell him no. BUT,the lil sucker grabs my shirt the whole time. i think hes afraid of falling off the stool. Thats gotta be the only thing hes afraid of. So I have a helper elf with me this whole trip.}

Ok, so the hooks were NOT doing the trick. I got to looking for my mixer beaters,I KNEW I had run in the DW earlier today. Um no,they were no where to be found. I turn around from the sink and DW to see Caleb licking yesterdays,now crunchy, cookie dough off one. Check one beater,now where n the sam hell is the other one? OH! There is is,on the floor,under an oven mitt. Best place for em,eeeh? gotta feed the mice!

So into the sink the crusted beaters go. Meanwhile the mixer is running with the bread hooks,and I hear a sound behind me! Caleb has turned on the mini hand mixer. Crap! hes gonna burn it up! So while the beaters are soaking I unplug the mini thingie,and scrape with my bamboo,paddle,shall we say, the fruitcake mix. I add the fruited mixture that had been soaking in Grandpa's cough syrup. I mean Blue Curcaco. More paddle scraping,and fighting. There are terms in Physcology about man vs things,or things vs man. Well, today it was man and machine vs 100 year old fruitcake recipe,idea. My arms are STILL burning.

Ok,so big beaters washed and clamped into the mixer. I crank that bad boy up,scraping as I go. Next thing I know Its a fruitcake batter tornado in the kitchen! In my noviceness with a grown up machine,I cranked it up too high. That green goo shit went everywhere! Me,Caleb,the counter,and back of the mixer.
EASY girl! We will get it done,I tell my mixer. Shes new,and Im a novice at the fruitcake making business,so we learned together.
Into the batter goes some slivered almonds and half a bag of walnut halves {they arent halves anymore though,b/c I made something or other last week,and whacked the whole bag with my industrial meat mallett Josh MADE me for Christmas last year.

Anyway. So, tornado over,nuts in with the fruits. I spray my pan,and a small bread pan. This stuff is looking like Fiona, Shrek's wife made it. CRAP! I forgot to add the candied cherries and pineapple. So I hack them up on a small board, mixer still humming away. Oh,yeah, I GOT THIS!
Note to fellow cooks, when using candied cherries,they WILL roll off onto the floor. So a rinse they got and chopped and bowled up they went.
It looks and smells like fruitcake to me! Gone is the cough syrupness,replaced by spicey molasses scent.

I stop the mixer,and pan up my dough. This was the heaviest dough Ive ever panned before,yall. I tried,once again to use my scraper.But no avail,so me and the bamboo paddle got it into the prepared pans.

Its now in the oven on 350 with the timer set for an hr. We shall see how it turns out. But if licking the goo off me and Caleb is any indication, well,its gonna be quite tasty if I do say so myself.
I've blogged on how I did this for a few reasons:
1. if it taste like ass,I will know what NOT to do,and follow somebody's grandma's recipe
2.If its good,Ive got it written down!
3. Im making this so other wont have to this year,and in the words of Johnny Carson, there is only one fruitcake and everyone just keeps passing it along. Well in West TN,today, I will know where it came from!