A Tyraid,if you will

So my {and my 2 sisters and my brother} Daddy died on the morning of dec 19,2010. He was 52 years old ,and died from a pulmonary embolism. It was unexpected,sudden,and yes horrible.
Im shaking as I write this tonight. I dont know if its my nerves,or the wind,or dehydration from the stomach virus we all have in various stages here at my house.

I have to get these thoughts out. Here are some of them in no particular order.

1. loosing a parent is the hardest event I have ever had to try to deal with in my life.

2. It does not matter how old you or your parent is when they pass. there is a hole there. One that you realize the moment it hits you,that will never be filled again.

3. No,you dont understand. that is unless youve lived it yourself. its not like loosing a grandparent or aunt,or dog. So dont tell me you do. you dont

4. While I know ppl have ment well,Im sick of hearing "it must really be hard this time of year" meaning Christmas time. As opposed to when March or April will make it any different? Um no.

5.you find yourself crying. not really sobbing, just tears that you cant explain,nor do you want to.

6. Unless you have just lost a child, I win right now. Yes,life is going on,but for me,right now,its stopped a little bit,and I need some time.

7. I cant be there for anyone else right now. While I can be happy or sad for you during your life or whatever is happening, I cant pay attention to it, b/c yes, Im being self absorbed right now.

8. I do have an excuse for seeming distant and scattered. there is a hole somewhere in me,that I cant explain. and maybe I never will

9. My siblings nad I all reacted pretty much the same way. the reply was screams of NO, not MY Daddy and then mass confusion.

10. You,as a child,expect to bury your parents. but not when you are 29 and your Dad is 52. It is not fair,dammit!!!

11. I feel drawn to my siblings right now in a way I cant explain. Maybe they and only they can help fill that void,since we came from the same place. But yet,Im afraid to talk to them.

12. trying to explain his Grandaddy dying is one of the most difficult things Ive ever experinced as a Mom,and holding my son while he weeps breaks my already broken heart even more.

13. No, you cant ask your Daddy how he felt when his Daddy died. You cant ask him how to get over this and how to move on.

14. Death is only peaceful for the dead. It sucks for everyone else who has to come to terms with it.

15. Embrace the parent you have left. It really,sadly,helps, when they too have lost thier own Daddy pretty unexpectedly.

16. If you were ever still a child, your youth is gone. Reality and mortality really hit home and set in.

17. Im trying to let this make me a better Mom.

18. You can't be Scarlett O'Hara and think about it tomorrow. Its the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and the first thing you think about when you wake up.

19. I need space, I think. I need to be left alone in my own thoughts. Im still in schock.

20. Even if you leave a message on that voicemail you play over and over,you KNOW you wont ever be getting a call back.