I am the grill Master

Ok,so being a girl has its perks.Im all for equality in gender and race and all that crap,but....There are some advantages to having a decent cup size or skinny ass.I have the decent cup size ,but my ass needs a back up warning.{or so my uncle told me when i was a child of 14,lol.}Neil has been the best husband in the world lately and i wanted to show my appreciation to him.He works nights,so on his day off I let him sleep until 6:30 pm,so he could get some rest.I hit the grocery store after picking up Jake from school.I wanted a Paula Deen esque feast for my man.What better way to do that than with Meat and taters.I got some strip steaks,and bratwurst and baking potato's and some romanine for a ceasar salad {i sooo reccomend Krafts Ceasar vinegrette.I normaly make those myself,but for ceasar,I aint smooshin anchovies,aint happening}.There were 3 bags of Kingsford on the retrashed patio and I was determined to grill for my man.I have NEVER in almost 27 years had ANY luck with a grill.Its a man job,like pumping gas and hauling out the trash.So I built my coals in the pyramid shape and doused them with the teeny bit of lighter fluid I had.We normaly have too much of that and no charcoal.go figure.I neglected to inform ya'll that the wind is blowing at hurricane force gust,even though it was a georgus and cool day round here.So I start the fire,or so I thought.I had cleaned out the grill and with Jakes watchful eyes and arms we scraped the remnats of dinners past.Got it all good,right.Wrong.The fire kept going out.I managed to hunt down another smidge ina bottle of lighter fluid and douse the charcaol yet again.When I lit it,I could have sworn My bushy brows would never grow back.It flamed up with a big whoosh that scared the shit out of me.But alas it still didnt catch.then being hte resourceful southern woman that I am,i went hunting for sticks.We southernors like hickory flavor and I just so happen to have a tree int he back yard.I knew green sticks wouldnt burn,so I dug around thru the poison ivy for dry branches.{nother prodject for a later date is buring all the dang weeds and over gorwth int he back of our yard so we can actually enjoy our mature trees that line our back ditch}.I d=found some sticks that I hoped were hickory,or at least would burna nd I tosed them in.no avail.I got them abck out and lit a dixie napkin and threw them in.and then what to my wandering eyes did appear but FLAMES.flames and the smell of burinign wood and napkin.Hell yeah! so like any grill novice I closed the grill in hopes that the fire would beigin roaring and I could grill my man his steak.uh uh.not happening.i considered the finger nail polish remover and even gas as another igniter since the hunt for more lighter fluid turned up emptyhanded.so I said screw it {notice one of my favorite sayings?}and opend the grill and resigned myslef to broiling the steaks,,which is what I had to do the first time a while back when I had this genious idea to grill for Neil.I only learn things the hard way,cant ya tell?well after I sat down and fired upa marlboro the wonderful scent of fire burned my nostrils.The fire was cathcing!So using some redneck engenuity,I laid an outdorr chair on its side to blcok the bottom of our handy half rusted out walmart grill,and turned it around so the flames were not in direct contact of the way the wind was blowing.Yall,I had fire!hosuton we have ignntion,and no other flamable fluids were needed,thank goodness cuz im thinking finger nail polish remover would mess up my whole hickory thang.a while later tha brats went on.They didnt take long.THen the cavalry called,his name is my father in law.i didnt even ask him whats up,I blurted out my seemingly failed attempts to be a she woman and he laughed at me.he gave me some good pointers,a bit too late of you ask me.But hey any help helps and Neil didnt have to know I contacted another grill master for help.lol.So I went and woke him up finally.I wanted to wait till he was coherant beofre putting our cheap thin strip steaks ont he grill.He got up at the thought of me burinign down the hosue or singeing my brows.{it owuld just save us 4 bucks so i didnt have to get em waxed for a while}.He came outside and stracjhed his head and looked at the grill and sleepily replied htat my fire was ready for the steaks,but owndered why there were sticks smoldering in the grill.I told him it was for flavor....So the steaks went on and I sent him in to get the salad ready and Jake to wash up.Then the steaks were ready and the monent of truth had arrived.OMG to me they were good.Neil was impressed at my first true attmept to grill anything sussefully.We didnt get ecoli or anything and jake informed me that my Brats were as good as Daddys.COnsidering that Neil is truly the grill master around here,I took it as a compliment.Its not something i will be doing any time soon int he near future.I learned truly why women stay in the kitchen and gossip and guys drink beer outside and talk about guns.I know in a pinch or sever PMS craving I can grill,but we all have our places in this family.