A Letter to Kat

Dear Kat,
You will probably never read this letter to you,but I have some things to say.Its been eating at me,and waking me up at night,and put me in a funk.WIse ones say not to point fingers,and look at the ones pointed back at you.Ok,Ive done that.The Bible says,"for all have sined and fallen short,".I totally agree.ANd it aslo says to love your brother.Or in you case,my sister.Ok,Check that too.I want to say first,that I love you.Youre my sister.We have not seen eye to eye on just about anything in our 23 year realtionship.ANd thats ok with me.But I do love you.But right now,its only because youre my sister.But you dont act like a sister.And honestly neither do I to you.Its hard to be your sister.Its hard to be your friend,and its impossible to trust you.And that is only b/c you have not began to tell the truth.You bend it to suit you.You know,I dont even think you realize that your actions affect other people.They do.The lies you tell,the manipulations,and the flat out disrespect for anyone baffles me.Ive told you before to tell the truth,Kat,and people will see it.They will be more than willing to help you,if they can trust you.That does not mean telling the world your business,I dont do that.I used to continulsly comapre your actions of the past few years to my own at your age.Then,I stopped that.I cant do that.I keep reliving the past,Ive worked so hard to move on from.I am not writting you to be hollier than thou,and not admitting any wrong doing.B/c I know,and even you know I cant do that.But I did learn from my past.And honestly,I have not done half the mess you have.But the things I did were wrong just the same.And God has forgiven me,as I strive to be a better person,I allow HIM to guide me.I had to open my heart up,and let HIM in.I had to forgive myself for my past,and try to be a better woman.And I try every day.People have helped me so much.Even you have helped me.ANd I truly appreciate you for that.But Ive tried to help you too.I did not know how much of an addict you had become.Maybe if I had not moved away,I could have helped you more,or not let you get to the point where you are now.But I do know,based on the past,that if I had tried to get you help,and gone to our Dad,he would have not believed me.And thats sad.Always feeling like the bad guy in your own family.Do you feel that way now?The Chirstmas before I moved away,and you and I had our big blow up at Dads,I was done with you.I didnt trust you then,and I may never trust you.Trust is a hard one for me to give.But its lessons learned that have made me that way.I have not given up the HOPE that you will change.I ahve not ever stopped praying that GOd will somehow open your heart.You have,in the past,had a good heart,Kat.WHat changed that? You may want to balme it on your addiction,and I know thats some of it.But using people,like you have is wrong.There is a big diffrence in using people and letting them help you.Ive told Mom this,and others,that I was born ready to conquer the world.B/c I knew everything,and I was going to do it blind folded and one arm tied behind my back.Those days are over,my arms and heart are open to help,and the blindfold is off,so now I can see that I hurt ppl along the way.Now,I have a chance to right the wrongs,and help other people.To me thats what its all about.I feel like youve been given more chances than anyone I know.More opportunity to get your shit together,and yet you havent.But I honestly dont know that you have the willpower and drive to do that.Dont forget I was a single mom,and dont forget how I busted my ass to take care of my son.I didnt do it so ppl would look at me and say,"look what shes accomplished".I did it,b/c no one esle was going to do it for me.Right now,I hope youve hit rock bottom.Ive been there more than once myself. I thought maybe youd hit it,after you werent welcome at our Memaws home.But you didnt believe me.You thought I was out to get you.Kat,nonone is out to get you.I hope to God you know that.If they were,do you really think both sets of our parents would have been in court to fight for your child?They WANT you to get help.They WANT you to become a productive member of socitey.They WANT to love you! But you have to let them.Using people and lying is not the way to do it.I dont know exactly what is the best choice for you in order to get on the right path.ANd Im not even saying go to church and become so straight laced you dont know how to have a good time.I will say this,it is not easy! I did not have to fight pill addictions or other things that you have,so I dont know how to help you there.But becoming a productive member of socitey and becoming the best mom you can be,I can help you there.If you ever want your daughter back,your going to have to change.ANd mean it,and grow from it,and be willing to say,HEy,I was sooo low,but now Im doing good,and I can help other women,in the same situation I was in avoid some of the things Ive done.Kat,if that day comes,and you can help others,and someone else does not go through what youre going through,it will be worth it.You have to want it! and I cant make you want it.Ive said my son saved my life.Let your daughter save yours.Every time you look at her,try to think,how I can I better myself to be the best I can for her.A wise firend of mine said you have to go through the valleys so you can appreciate the veiw from the top of the mountian.And yes,sometimes there will be a huge valley,but you can cross it,and climb back up.You know I am bipolar.You;ve seen the struggle.You were the one who took me to get help.I have never,nor will I ever not be grateful to you for that.YOu were just a kid,and you saw something that was wrong and you did all you could do to help me.I only wish I could do the same for you.Ive tried to be there for you,but you havent let me.You knew,I was on to your little game of lies and manipulations.But you never came to me and let me help you.When I went to you and tried to give you abck what you had given me,you lashed out at me.Ive been down in the valley myself.Ive been in tunnels where I never thougtht Id see a light.But there was a light! that light was my family and friends who were there to support me.At times you were part of that.Where did that part of you go?Its till there,Kat.It has to be.But its buried under lies,addiction,and plain out meaness.You are not an evil person.You are stronger than your life you have now.You CAN come out of this.Im not sure what else it will take.I sued to be jealus of you and your pretty face and your nice body.But then I came to realize it was just a shell.You used it to trample people to get them to bend to your will.You have had our Dad convinced everyone ws out to get you and you were the victim.You are NOT a VICTIM.You were the instagator.and that is wrong too.I hate that I didnt set a better example for you.But,I learned,from a certain unnamed relative,how I didnt want my life to be.And after some hit and misses,I learned how not to be like her.It would have been easy to fall into the trap of addiction and not seeing my kids.But NO,I fought it.I used my conquer the world drive and have,to this day,fought giving into the dperession deamons.I fight the mainia too.I have learned to curb my temper.That does not mean that I dont have my days where I throw stuff in anger,yell,spend money Id otn have,or even get off the couch.But those are just moments of days.Those moments are not my life.But yes,they are part of it.I take medicine everyday so i can attempt to be the best wife,mom,sister,daughter,and friend I can be.It does not always work.I am not always happuy go lucky,and no my life is not some cookie cutter.Who freaking wants a life like that anyway?I dont.But I can be good to people.I can try to show others the love and support Ive been shown,and still get shown all the time.I tell the truth,even when it hurts.During my wild phase I didnt realize you were watching me.ANd sadly learning from me too.But I have prayed that you would see that I have gotten past that.ANd I learned myself how to be a better person.There is a wonderful person inside of you.Who does not have to use her beauty,or lie,or cheat or anything like that to be the best she can be.I dont know how to help you fight your addictions.I dont know what underlying mental issue you have on top of the addiction.But if and when I do,I will try to helo you the best way I can.Kat,I freely admit I have not been a saint.I freely admit Ive had my own vies and demons to deal with.But thats just it,I deal with them.Most of the time I have to ignore them!that way Im not some raving luncatic that I;d like to be sometimes.If I can do it,you can do it too.
Right now,you are not welcome in my home.There are a couple of other homes you are not welcome in either,and you know whos they are.But that is not a permanate thing.It will be if you do not change.It affects everyone who loves you.It affects us b/c we DO love you and we have seen the wonderful person you can be.I think thats whats so sad.You are not Pittiful.You are in control of you!You can do it ,Kat.RIght now,and maybe the rest of your life you will need help not to slip up.Thats where your family and friends come in.To lift you up when they see you slipping.But the key to that is honesty. I hope you check yourself in somewhere and get the tools you need to reach your full potential.I have been thinking about things that I'd like to say to you.I know Id just be wasting my air though.I cant make you change.But I can hope.My door is shut to you right now,but the door is not locked.It can,and I pray will be opened again one day.If you could turn the effort you put into your current lifestyle and put it towards getting help,and being positive,no one can stop you! You can DO IT! Admitting you need help and are wrong about something was a hard one for me to accept in myself.I percieved it as being weak.Well,its not.Its called humilty.Being at your lowest and rising up from it to go forth and be the best you can be.With people holding your hand.When they see you helping yourself.You have no idea how our mom feels,b/c you take everything she says,as shes out to get you.IF she was out to get you do you really think shed have let you come there,when you left Ms?do you think shed have let you use her ride,and phone,and given you a break on your rent?Or not taken care of your daughter?If our brother or I were doing the same things youve been doing,shed have done the same for us.You may percieve it as TO YOu,but no,Kat,its for you,and for your daughter.That precious little girl whom I adore,who deserves the best mom she can have.I hope one day you are that mom.Its easy to cave,and hard to fight.FIGHT KAT! PLEASE FIGHT! Better yourself,and make a life,a good life for you and your children!!!! I love you.